Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Locked emotions

I am not entirely sure about posting right now. I'm generally grumpy at the moment. I'm supposed to be trying to act moderately not depressed this week and it is much more difficult that it should be because for whatever reason I am not sleeping. So I increased my Seroquel dose yet again (500 mg) and then try to make some balance between what I'm supposed to be doing and how little I feel like doing. Last night was the first night at the higher dose and should have been the night I was most sleepy. I was making grilled cheese (something I crave every time that I'm depressed) at 2:30. Yes, I know I shouldn't do that at night but I.don't.care. However, I'm really touchy and not necessarily in a place to be very nice to other people. I am very limited in what I can do (almost no energy, absolutely no money, very little interest), so my crabbiness further extends to the things I am capable of. And some things have happened that I have every right to be crabby about, which of course doesn't help either because sorting out real from imaginary is not my strong suite. Oh, and Halloween disrupted my carefully adhered to med/TV schedule.

But the real thing that is driving me up a wall is something that comes with depression. I'm sure it has to do with the high doses of mood stabilizers; it didn't start until high dose Depakote started a few years ago, but high dose is the way they work for me. Anyway, if I am depressed I can't cry. It's really not good. I can cry with my therapist. I can get teary at stupid things (football (when your team stomps the other) bother anyone?), but I can't just cry and let out all that stuff.

I know that crying all the time is no good. But crying some is, (something I admit only after ridiculous amounts of therapy which involved actually practicing saying it aloud), good. And I can't. I think not being able to cry makes me even more depressed because I wind up curling up in a ball and staring at a wall and just being sad, instead of feeling bad and then moving on.

I wish there was another option....

4 comments:

Sarah Gee said...

I've been thinking about you. :)

Emilija said...

Sometimes when I can't cry it helps me to read poetry or listen to music that has the feelings I want to express. But there is a fine line between that and wallowing in bad feelings, I suppose.

Taylor_John said...

I know where your coming from....crying is desperately within your reach but unattainable when your feeling that depressed. I do the same, just lie there and think ultra miserable thoughts. Then the flip happens (due to the cycling) and I talk myself into the fact that I feel this way because of the depression and that in a few hours/days I will be okay again. The waiting game is the other killer!

Just Me said...

Taylor: It is not the depression, it is the meds. Because of my difficulties needing very high dose meds to function I tend to get rather cut off from some deeper feelings, and taking less meds isn't really an option.

Depression alone I'm so used to that it wouldn't be this frustrating.