Random thinking

When I saw my psychiatrist last week she asked something that's sticking with me: Am I this much better because of the Seroquel or because I'm under so much less stress? Since my improvement hasn't been monumental but does increase as my dose increases I'm assuming it's mainly meds, but I also know not having responsibility is part of this.

I've now reached the point where I sleep all.the.time. Yesterday I woke up having a major panic attack. I had weird dream number eight million of this episode. This was more than a nightmare though. This time I could "see" a hand holding me down in bed. It was not my own hand; my hand is easy to see due to a birth defect. It was on my chest pressing as hard down as possible. I fought and fought and could not move. Ultimately I woke up and was ok. Again, I think my brain is being psychotic again, in an atypical way.

I just ran out of tomato soup. I can't explain what a big deal this is. When I'm depressed tomato soup is one of the few foods I'll eat. I either have to go to the store this evening or manage until tomorrow. If I could find something else tomato based I might be ok. I must have eaten a lot more than I thought of it, because I generally keep about 8 cans around. Oops.

I want to go back to work. I miss people. I miss patients. I miss routine. Heck, I miss knowing what DAY it is....I also miss paychecks. No disability yet. Tomorrow is my weekly call to human resources and I'm going to have to probably start pestering my insurance too. I really hope they tell me "oh, check's in the mail". I should be getting a large check. And I really, really need it.....