My vacation had its sad moments, because it isn't easy to see all the ways your life isn't exactly the way you hoped, and being with my sister and her very normal life somehow emphasizes that more than ever. It's hard to see her beautiful and clean home, how she operates on a schedule, to hear her talking about having children, etc. It's hard to watch how much she loves my brother-in-law and how smoothly their marriage operates.
There was a time that it appeared she'd be the one with "problems". I worked very hard to move beyond some of the things we both faced in our childhood, and she didn't choose to try. And I am the one who wound up with this illness and with all the changes to my life. It was another reminder that we just don't get to plan our lives ourselves.
One day we went to a state park. I went to the bathroom and saw one of the saddest things I've ever seen. Someone had scratched into the bathroom stall door "I hate my kids". My guess is they were frustrated and had cranky children who were tired from the hike. But I just can't quit thinking how sad that is, because not being able to have kids makes me pretty sure I'd never hate them. Or it makes me much more aware of how important it is to remember the value of kids. Something.