Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

What goes up, must come down

I have a bitter resentment of the nature of this disease, the part where I must live with near certainty that if I am manic that sometime very soon I will almost certainly be depressed. Depressed has hit. It is not that bad, random tears, a desire to sleep all the time even though I can't sleep, more cognitive confusion than a week ago.

There are reasons for depression to hit. It's still hard for me to cope with the way Seroquel changed my appearance. The weight gain did level off, as my doctor had told me it might, and I still have tons of fluid to get rid of, but it's still hard. I bought a 3rd attempt at finding jeans that will fit today; I really need just one pair. My psychologist's notes are probably full of the observation that I'm alternating between 2 outfits lately.....Nonetheless I'm having a really hard time accepting this new look. It also is a result of having passed what I had to look forward to (my trip). Now I only have 6 weeks more (or so) of psychologist appointments complete with 2 hours of driving, occasional trips to my mom's, a psychiatrist appointment, and a doctor appointment with my regular doctor that will include at least 2, and quite probably 3, pokes. I don't even feel blood draws anymore, and one poke is a TB test which doesn't count either, but one is a flu shot and those have been known to sting. I get them annually because of the working with elderly people thing and the last 2 years have been particularly bad ones. I'm also frustrated because argh, I don't remember why, because I'm still waiting for disability approval and therefore haven't made any money in weeks? Oh, I know. The hope is to lower the doses or remove some of my existing meds as Seroquel increases. The thing is that at this point it just looks like things are getting added on. My blood pressure looks like it is trending up, which matches my swelling. I may need meds for that. I'm taking meds to try to get the swelling to go away. My thyroid med will probably need adjusted since I've totally screwed up taking it. I started a med for GERD after the doctor the other day; now I'm taking something for further digestive issues.

I should mention also that today just wasn't the best day. I made myself leave home and had all sorts of negative adventures, including being rear-ended when I was totally stopped at a red light (which was red). I'm fine and my car is fine, but my body is under so much stress from inside already that I shook so hard I couldn't drive for 20 minutes. I was practically in shock when I got out.

The one good thing is I figured all this gives me lots of reasons to eat chocolate :).

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