Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, November 26, 2011


I got sleepy, on my own about 11 pm. I waited a while and then tried to sleep without the additional anxiety meds I've been needing.  The end result of that was an hour later I just put the additional meds into the pill box; they are now routine until something changes.

I know I've been saying this for months but breain chemisty so, so messed up........I'm scared it can't be fixed.  I try to be positive, which I realize is hard to believe reading here, but this is the kind of thing that tells me bad issues still exist.

I don't think I've said this here before, at least not point blank, but I'm not just scared of losing my job.  I am scared I'm never going to get back to work.  Dr. Mind made me talk about this a little.  But there have been 2 periods in my life:  the one where things were managed (the last few years) and the years I fought tooth and nail to do anything.I'm back to the fighting years with the distinct change in the fact that there aren't really more meds ahead, I have rapidly changed what was working drastically and nobody knows why, I am older and more tired, and after knowing I had a chance to live pretty normally for a long time losing it hurts even more than thinking it wouldn't ever happen did.

I wish I had never had the surgery.  I didn't have a choice, blood loss and pain were ruining my life, but something happened during that surgery that was very, very bad.  I am afraid I made a decision to go into surgery with all those extra precautions and we never considered the thing that went wrong, whatever that was.

I really, really need to see Dr. Brain.  Monday is a long time off.


Anonymous said...

Good Morning, Jen,

I respectfully disagree with your thought about never returning to work. I am sure you will. I am not sure when, but your working life is far from over. Clearly, I have no crystal ball. Nor am I a physician. Although it SEEMS like you'll never get a handle on this, I believe you 100% will.

You know, when I read of what's happening and remember all that has happened within the last year it sometimes seems obvious to me. Again, I am no doctor - just an observer. Here's what I see...

Within the last year your body has gone through bronchitis, asthma, uterine problems, no sleep for weeks on end, appetite changes, lots of pain and then surgery. And those are just the PHYSICAL THINGS that have happened. Along with all of this comes new medicines, changing old medicines, inhalers, patches, surgical anesthesia… again, purely PHYSICAL things your body has endured.

If you look at it this way, is it no wonder your mental health has also suffered? Jen, even if you didn’t have bi-polar, do you think you’d be a-ok now? I don’t think ANYONE would be ok. Seriously! I know I wouldn’t, and that is fact. Because, these physical changes take a HUGE emotional toll – HUGE, HUGE, and HUGER.

And now let’s consider these additional meds, physical symptoms, lack of sleep, huge anxiety etc etc etc have totally MESSED with your bi-polar meds/situation. Dear Jen – I think your body and mind just can’t keep up with it all! If I were your patient and told you the same history, do you honestly think I’d be all fine and dandy? No way. Sweet Jen – NO ONE WOULD!!!

Oh my gosh yes, this is an easy explanation from me – the one who doesn’t have to live through it and suffer through it. But can you take a step back and pretend it is someone else we are talking about? I am curious what you would say if it were me. Or Michal. Or a patient.

I think you’d say, “yes of course you will be better” and “yes, of course you will work again after your body and mind have regulated themselves. You’ve been through the wringer and it takes time to sort it all out.” And then you’d pray for us. Just like we pray for you. -- am I close?

What else would you tell us?


Anonymous said...

I'm absolutely on board with you, B! I'm praying with more determination than ever. We need some HEALING here. I'm thankful for all the medical services that are available to you, Jen, and your wonderful team but I'm asking for a breakthrough!

Lord, please refresh and purify Jen. Please align all the systems of body, soul and spirit and return them to full health. We depend upon Your infinite knowledge and Your vast power. Please touch her in each body system that needs to be healed. Bring peace to her home by the breath of Your Holy Spirit. Refresh her doctors and clear their minds so that they will perceive the best steps to take along the path to healing. Hold Jen's heart in tender hands and give her hope and health. Put Your shield of faith over her to protect her from the dark thoughts that the enemy wants her to indulge.

We depend upon Your wisdom and love. God is love. We are needy people, Lord. We can only come as little children asking for these things with the faith that You provide. Please help us now. We ask in the name of Jesus. Amen.

John 14:26
Amplified Bible

But the Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, Whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will cause you to recall (will remind you of, bring to your remembrance) everything I have told you.