Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, November 24, 2011

What happens next?

In a small way I know this.  Saturday I get my lithium level drawn.  Monday I see both Drs. Brain and Mind.  Sometime next week I need to see Dr. Body.  Dr. Brain will keep making little adjustments to psych meds for the next few months.  Dr. Body will make sure my body is recovering from being pickled in lithium.  And I will wait to feel better.

The problem (actually several problems) in this scenario is that Dr. Brain is going to be off work for some period of time, and I can't remember what that is.  I do know that next Saturday will be her last day of work for a while.  Since I just took my first shower since Sunday today, one of the best ways for me to show depression, I don't think this is a good time for a break in treatment. I also think I need things to move as fast as possible, with the exception of lithium only because it has to be slow.

I sent her an email today (marked that she shouldn't read it til tomorrow, I just didn't want to chicken out) that said I think we need to discuss whether I should go back inpatient to get a fast start on an additional mood stabilizer.  I may not need it long, but right now I need it desperately and it would help until the lithium is in place if not longer.  I know when she is telling me she thinks I "possibly" will be ok on my old cocktail that this means "there's a small chance" because she tries to be very positive.  She even is admitting to this.  And positive is great, but when she's going to be off work after one week fast is even better.  I don't trust other doctors.  I know if she set me up with someone that it would be who she trusted most with me.  But nobody is her.  I do trust the hospital doctor.  He's been kind and listened to me and treated me well both times he has been my doctor.

As I thought there are so many new meds, yet I've still been on most of them and if not then I can't have them because they are relatives of things I'm allergic to (Invega).  This means being inpatient may be an even better thing as I may be able to try some riskier meds more safely.

I hope and pray that Dr. Brain already has a plan as she often does that means this is all not necessary.  But I know too that I need to be better and that while I don't want to risk messing up my lithium level I also very much don't want to feel any worse than I do now.  It is usual to crash after being extremely manic.  This is that crash.  Normally not such a big deal but this is the 2nd time of the heavy crash in 2 months.  As everyone keeps pointing out to me (Including myself), my brain chemistry is beyond screwed up after everything I've been through.  I need so badly for it to stabilize as this is too long at too unstable.  I think this is past the point where restoring my lithium to normal levels is going to help.

I pray I'm wrong.  About every bit of this.


Anonymous said...

Jen, you are moving forward. Can you feel it? I can tell by the way you write and the way you are sorting things out and developing a plan of action. This is a good thing to read - I am thankful for it.

Everything you wrote makes a lot of sense - common sense which you have a lot of! And working within Dr. Brain's timeframe [before she will be off of work] seems wise. I am sure she has been thinking a lot too and deciding what she thinks is best for you. It's really quite wonderful that you have a team of people who operate with your best interests at heart. That is something to be very thankful for too!

You will be better. Can you say it with me? One more time?

I am full of thanks today for many good things Jen. One of them is that I have had the opportunity to get to know you through your blog, and to have the privilege of sharing a bit of your life here.

May God Bless you and keep you. May He make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May the Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you Peace. Amen.


Anonymous said...

B. I'm praying with you. Amen.

Jen, you are covered tonight in prayer. Please take a deep breath and feel comforted.

Love, Michal