And so naturally after fighting to stay awake at 6 PM, and even taking meds a little early because I was so incredibly sleepy, it took a full extra dose of klonopin plus a dose of lunesta to settle down enough to sleep. And then my cat decided I should be up about 7, so now I'm hoping to get tired enough to sleep more.I hope or today will be too long and I'll have to cancel Dr. Brain. I may call and see if they have anything different, but that probably would mean goign up tomorrow and that's not ideal either. Nor is skipping this appointment.
I have a pretty understandable list I can shove at Dr. Brain with a "here" this is why I am struggling if I have to.
I did somewhere in there last night realize that my feelings of wanting to quit and not live anymore are more complicated. I simply wish that I hadn't started hallucinating and had eventually had the toxicity that I just wasn't here anymore. I keep saying this and it is true: I won't harm myself. I will, however, have to fight myself to not get pulled into the swampy area where this becomes hard to not think about.
I'm now in the midst of a student loan mess. I put the huge one on forbearance when I got sick. The forbearance ran out without my realizing it and now I can't seem to get it back on forbearance. So here in a few minutes I have to call in. I can think of few things I'm less interested in that being on hold. I also need to call my insurance company about why I can't logon to the webpage, my HR department about somethings, and something else. Oh, I know, I somehow haven't gotten disabilty pay that should have come through last week. Since I have a car payment to make today and several things to pay in the next couple weeks that must be done I really am anxiuos about this. Which reminds me to call Sears........Best do that now.
More after the doctor unless I die of mania.
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I know it's awful. Godspeed on your travels to appointments today. You're amazingly responsible about attending to business. I admire you for so many things and for keeping faith in spite of the onslaught of challenges. You are truly remarkable!
Please please keep fighting to stay away from the "swampy area" you mentioned. Try re-reading my last comment and put on each piece of the whole armor of God by prayer. Each piece is Christ, His salvation, righteousness, Word, gospel of peace, shield of faith, belt of truth. Thank God that He has provided the helmet of salvation and ask that He keep your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. Put on the breastplate of righteousness provided by Christ for your protection. The belt of truth always makes me think of the Way, the Truth and the Life. The Sword of the Spirit is the Word of God. The shield of faith is to protect you from the fiery darts of the evil one. "Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God" Romans 10:17
Faith is a gift and I am praying that God will pour out more and more of that gift on you (and me, too!).
Ephesians 2:8-9 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.
It seems that you might benefit from having a verse to dwell on when your mind wants to go in circles. Previously, you said you appreciated a Psalm I sent. Can you find ir or pull the 23rd Psalm from memory and/or write it down on a card to keep with you? Remember Biblegateway.com if you don't have a Bible handy. You can look up any part of the Bible in many translations (and languages) and it has a search feature if you can remember a word or phrase you'd like to find.
I'm on your side and praying often!
In God's love, Michal
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