It's dark, and the water bottles are chilling/freezing. Thanks to more lithium I had to add another gallon of water to my daily lugfest. But better hydrated than toxic.
I've been thinking about why I'm so angry and it boils down to expectations. I know that just because we expect something from life doesn't mean we'll get it, and I also believe that what occurs happens because it is God's plan, and we live by those and not our own. However.......
---I am very angry that I feel I constantly have to qualify every complaint about my life with acknowledgment that it could be so much worse and that how I'm doing now is a miracle. I'm sick of this. I don't WANT it to be a miracle that I can do little things like vacuum, having hobbies, manage to pay bills, budget money usually accurately, etc. I want to just feel able to say "you know what? This sucks. It is totally unfair that I'm seeking out positives in my ability to do the most minimal things."
--I'm angry that to manage at such a minimal level requires HUGE doses of medication. It's not like I'm I'm functioning as well as I am just because I can do this; I'm functioning like this because I follow the med procedures like an automaton, because I have Dr. Brain and Dr. Mind and Dr. Body all ready to hop if I need them. One again I've been told that it's fine to email Dr. Brain while she's on vacation because she knows I'm having a horrible time so she won't ignore my emails.
-I'm angry that I don't get to make plans. I've been able to do this a little more lately, but the truth is that it's still a crapshoot. Right now I'm focusing way less on saving money and way more on paying things off. this is good and needed if I'm buying a car soon as I need to do. However, if someone healthy decides "Ok, I'm going to pay these things off and then buy a car" they can generally assume it will work out. In my case I could get sick and not be able to work at any point. While that's typically not really true, last summer I was doing so well I came off Depakote only weeks before I was fired. And after I was fired I spent a long time struggling hard. Right now i'm so far doing ok but I'm at risk right now. I'm at so much risk I'm on more lithium, something that really been unthinkable to Dr. Brain until now.
-I'm angry because I think there are some basic things we should be able to enter life expecting. And most of them are things that I didn't ever get to experience. I believe we should be able to expect to not have repeated and intense exposure to anything sexual until we are adults and choose this for ourselves. Instead I not only would require psychological treatment to actually get to the point of having sex, I'd also require physical therapy. Or, put even more simply, if I want to use tampons, I have to have specialized PT that would require lots of driving and coping with some really bad memories.
-I'm so mad because I don't get the simplest things I want. For the last number of years I lived at home I survived because I know there was a better world out there and I could go out and experience it soon. I lived on dreams, and they weren't really unusual dreams. I was going to go to college and get a degree and fall in love and get married and have my own family, a family where nobody was sexually assaulted or beaten. When I was 12 or 13 one of my favorite games was to give myself a budget and then design my perfect nursery for my baby-to-be from the JCPenney catalog. Right now, I've been to BabiesRus for a few things lately and the main thing I"ve learned is that I can't go into the nursery section because it makes me so sad that I'll never get to pick one of those designs.
-I'm mad because while I picked my career (more or less; my final decision came down to the PhD program I was interested in had harder application than the OT one and I was so sick i was filling them out only because the psychologist did everything but fill them out for me and he offered to do that (with me, not for me) and while I do love it, there isn't really going to be much change in what I do as long as I'm an OT. I've obvisouly just changed specialities to a related one that I really like and can imagine doing for another 10 years or whatever, but I'm not going to ever get a doctorate, something I was sure was in my future, because I wouldn't be able to. I may opt to try for a specialization, giving me nothing really but a few extra letters after my name, but that would mean a lot to me. However, that requires about 6 solid months of stability before I'd try it.
At that I'm stopping as I'm falling asleep. I'm not too proud to say that I didn't plan well for when the meds would kick in and so Im cuddling up under blankets while sleeping on a towel because I missed my chance to put on sheets while still fully awak.e
oh well.........
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3 comments:
I agree with Julia! You're doing really well processing a TON of stuff. I'm happy that my "good" question helped you look at your tendency to blame yourself. I know the feeling but it's much more intense for you and I'm very very sorry you have that burden.
What's the deal with the comments that look like Chinese??
Baking soda: I use some in every load of laundry. It's really good for deodorizing and helping the detergent to go farther. I buy jumbo bags at Costco.
I'll pray for your sister before I go...and for you as you process the gains and the losses. Love will ultimately win the day; we have to hold on to that hope and promise. It's very difficult here on a "broken planet," the "after the Fall" experience.
May you feel the "weighted blanket" of the Comforter, the Holy Spirit. I recently found a verse that encouraged me:
I will lie down in peace and sleep, for though I am alone, O Lord, You will keep me safe. Psalm 4:8
I don't know what to tell you. It is totally not fair. I feel the same way about my life- but not so much anymore. Why? I don't know. I can't plan vacations- half the time I'm too depressed to go. I dropped out of a PhD program, I'd even started my dissertation- I mourned like someone had died. I think what saves me from bitterness about my own life now is my work. I always say that if I was a wedding planner I'd have to shoot myself. Instead I work with people who are sick and injured. People who are paralyzed, brain injured, or have severe hand injuries. And that's what keeps me sane- which is really pretty sad. But my life is getting better. It isn't a straight line up, but it is much better than anyone thought that it could be 10 years ago. And I think that the longer my brain is on the right meds, the more stable my brain gets. I don't even think I could be as crazy as I was 10 years ago again- not that I'm going to test the theory. But I'm starting to reduce even my antidepressants, a place that I never thought that I would be. Where you are now- it is very difficult. I think there will be a future where things are easier.
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