But in my fatigue I just broke every rule I have for myself. I keep thinking about how I was starting to work on building back some of my old relationships. I have not been doing this lately because of stress and instability and med changes and whooping cough and not seeing Dr. Mind in 2 weeks.
So I got curious and I have no idea why, and so I decided to go looking for trouble. Specifically I did a facebook search on the person who hurt me more than anyone ever has, including the abusers, because she was someone I worked hard to learn to trust and to love. And I found her. Not a lot as she has privacy on most things, but I read her husband's blog and found out enough to be sad again. And to wonder what would happen if I contacted her now and finally was able to say what I didn't get to say back then because I was too sick. I feel like I've been waiting to do that for years now, and yet there's also a part of me that just wants my friend back. My friend who was there for so much. My "friend" who hurt me so badly when I was so sick that I wanted to die and when confronted with the notion that one does not attack someone who is suicidal told me it was "a risk she had to take". My "friend" who accused me of being possessed, of making my other friend be part of my life because they felt sorry for me. My "friend" who had strangers vote on whether I was a Christian.
But also someone who was young, and hurt by my illness and the behaviors related to that, and someone who didn't understand. The strong part of me says "But she was given every option. She had free access to the person I confided in most (a psychologist friend) with or without me; she was offered the chance to come to my therapy sessions; I even offered to meet halfway and I would pay for ADDITIONAL therapy. She declined all of this as well as any books or webpages which might have helped her understand.
There is nothing to gain from contact with her. Except maybe closure. Which is weird because I spent 3 months writing a letter to say good-bye, and before those 3 months were another 10 1/2 months of huge distance between us after the attack. But something in me wants to see if she's changed, if she cares, because in my heart I can't find a way to not still care about her. And to some degree I want to say that I'm sorry I hurt her. She hurt me deeply and may still be totally convinced she is right in all ways. I don't want to know that.
I look at my life and I see so much. I see happiness and friends, and tentative family relationships, and although I've had bad moments with bipolar I have not missed a day of work because of mental illness since I got out of the hospital last year. I don't see a life permeated with illness anymore. I see a life affected by it, a life that always will be affected, but not a life devastated. I see a Christian, I just don't see a church-goer or a detailed Bible reader. But Michal makes sure I have Bible study, and we discuss faith in therapy (Dr.Mind is an ordained pastor), I pray, a lot, and I do what I can. And now I know, after taking 7 years to figure out that because God give grace it doesn't matter what Christian traditions I can or can't follow, it matters what I believe. I'm not sure though that would do any good to say all this. I know I wouldn't, matter of fact.
I just want my second chance, a chance that is not wise. And part of this is an abuse thing, because you don't get to fight back against abuse if you are being smart (I was often not smart), and the fact I was far too ill when all this occurred to fight back and instead I AGREED with it makes me feel cheated somehow.
I don't want to hurt her. I just want to show her that I was ill and now I'm not. But not such a good idea.....Especially when I'm so tired.
Speaking of, I have to get up relatively early (for someone who has done nothing but sleep for 2 weeks) and go to see Dr. Body, so I should stop now. But because I have to share at least