Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Monday, August 15, 2011

God works in mysterious ways-a real post

So part of what I've been dealing with/talking about for the last few months is knowing that even if I could have a baby and manage my bipolar I very likely have been infertile for years and assuming this is endo and that it can be removed the only chance I'll really have to get pregnant ever given my age and the nature of endo would be in the next few months before it can recur.  I don't know why that makes it seem harder; I've known for nearly 10 years there would be no children and Dr. Brain and I have had a few very honest talks about right now I'm stable enough that if I desperately wanted a baby she would support that although she will not say it would be GOOD for me, but that (Even before all this) it needs to be a NOW thing as I'm over 35 and this is as stable as it gets for me and we have no way to know that this will last forever.  But not only am I sticking to my promise to myself to not raise a child with my moods, that would require donor sperm and all that this entails and I am not interested.

I don't know how many of you have faced wanting children more than anything in the world and knowing they aren't going to come.  It's a pain that I have experienced separately than most of the things I have never had that I thought I would.  But children are not something that fall into a category, maybe just because of anything I won't have because of illness I believe this has been the most painful, even though I know ultimately it comes down to my having made a responsible decision instead of doing what my heart longs for.  And so the closest I'll come to a child is my niece and any siblings she may have, and the closest to pregancy would be a combination of the 6 months of puking from lithium toxicity and the rumors I was pregnant as a teenager because I was playing a pregnant woman in a play.  Oh and in grad school I was a pretend patient for a final exam for the class behind mine and played a pregnant teenager who had been paralyzed in a car accident.  The belly was annoying over 2 days in a wheelchair.

Part of what is hard about missing out on having children is that there are a zillion stages that you don't get to go through.  Missing out on getting a PhD merely meant that for a time I was sad because I knew I couldn't do that.  I don't feel jealous of my sister who will be Dr.Anne's Mommy in about a year's time.  But her pregnancy was very hard to watch.  I think this is all because having a baby has so many physical changes and things you can only experience with pregnancy.  I can love and watch Anne grow and learn so much and love her with all my heart and it does take away the no baby ache some.  But watching my sister grow through pregnancy hurt.

Well, I know now what I would look like pregnant.  I have no idea what good this does me, but there is no more wondering.  As I've been saying my belly is huge.  I bought pajamas a good size or 2 bigger than usual because I will need them post-op.  I'm wearing them tonight and because of the bagginess and style if someone saw me in them they would be absolutely certain I'm quite pregnant.  (Plus I have the PMY boobs that mean I'll have a period sometime in the next 3 weeks; I miss that so much.  Used to be big sore breasts meant 3 days until my 4 day long light period.  Now it means nothing except that sometime soon I'm gonna bleed like crazy. When I get home I'll take a picture so you can all see and congratulate me on my belly.  I'm a bit scared of what it will look like post-op because it will be full of this gas they use to make space to work and so I supposed could be even bigger than now, depending on whether they figure out why it's so big as is.

So, I guess that after making the decision to tell the dr. that if she believe I will need a hysterectomy within the next 5 years and if one will prevent some of the problems from being back in a few months then I would like her to consider doing it now on the basis of my inability to handle the usual hormone treatments, God is letting me know what a very pregnant Jen would look like.  It's as funny as I ever thought it would be.  I actually look frighteningly like my sister did just because of how she carried and these pajamas look like something she wore a lot near the end of her pregnancy.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Praying for you, dear Jen.