First off, let's just say I ITCH!!! Badly. Apparently some bug got in my shirt the other day and chewed up as much territory as he could. And unfortunately insects lack respect for tender tissue women have on their chests. Therefore, despite covering myself waist to neck in cortisone cream this week I wound up having to constantly consider my social behaviors and said tender tissues are now covered in ugly scratches along with bites. I really hope it starts to heal soon because it is torture to wear a bra right now.
Second, serious food for thought today. Dr. Brain got to Dr. Mind and so he knew before he went on vacation that she felt I had to do this MAOI anesthesia protocol and that basically he had also agreed that I was a significant suicide risk doing it the standard way. She read that part of her statement regarding why this was necessary to me, and that is the main requirement, that there is a strong risk of a suicide attempt without doing this the harder way. So he came in ready to support all of this and during the discussion made a good point. One which I need to recall over the next weeks. He asked if I trusted Dr. Brain. I said mostly. He asked what lowered my trust. I said fear. We talked about this throughout the hour and he kept reminding me of something that I would think was dramatic if I said it but he clearly believes it is true: I have trusted her with my life, numerous times, and she has saved my life, numerous times. Therefore I may feel threatened by what is happening but again, she is trying to keep me alive.
Dr. Mind also believes that my horrible panic attack was not as much about my niece as it seemed like at first glance. I have to go back through what I wrote to people during that time to see what I even thought then, but what asked out of the blue what the trigger was my initial response made a lot of sense: I know that if this is endometriosis my one and only/last chance to have a baby will be a few months from now. I won't be doing that. And eventually the endo. (if that's what it is) will return and diminish my chances more, and since I'm over 35, well, like I said, last shot. It's not like I have known anything but that I would have no children for many years now. Nonetheless, know that my ability to have a baby is pretty much likely to be declared over is weird. And even if the other factors don't come into play I'm getting an IUD that lasts 5 years. It could come out sooner should I desire to have a baby, but pretty much that thing will be there until based o family history I have very little chance of not being in perimenopause.
There's also the thing where gynecological exams are so hard for me but I manage them through conscious control (and an awesome dr. who chats through it so that I don't notice). It's very hard to know that these procedures are going to happen while I am unconscious and defenseless. Nobody is going to hurt me, but it's still scary.
And after being stuck in traffic until very late and not being able to take meds as a result and then knowing I must be up about 4;30 to finish paperwork I think i better stop typing and start trying to sleep.