Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, August 18, 2011

not my plan

Yesterday I finally just lost it.  I cried for many hours last night.  I was so overwhelmed, so tired (I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping now as the pain med is not all that effective anymore even at a high dose), and so afraid.  I haven't been that scared in this process before, but yesterday I found out that there's a decent chance of having no explanation for what is going on.  With a lot of thought I think she said this more meaning she doesn't know what is going on than she meant the cause may not be seen, but the only thing I don't feel equipped to handle is being told nothing was visible.  That lends itself to far too many doubts as even though she did not say that no findings meant I was making it up, and in fact she said sometimes just having had horrible bleeding for a long time will do that (and that part we know has a cause, and in theory I suppose could somehow be the reason for the pain).  So no matter what there's a reason; the bleeding issue or something is found.  But hearing that I may have no answer really is hard because I develop serious self-doubt in that situation.  It's because I was always taught that complaints were just making things up and so all the emotions that go into this have wrapped around that one thing.  I know in reality that my feelings are not logical as well as knowing that my exhaustion has much to do with my feelings.  I also know that finally crying and letting go of some of the stress and anxiety was probably good.  It also had to do with exhaustion; it's been days or a week since I could fall asleep and longer than that since I slept well.  So I did what I knew I needed to do and took a PRN seroquel too.  So that along with everything else didn't make me sleep until after 3, but now I'm sleepy.  I'm scared to nap as I don't want to be too groggy to see Dr. Mind tonight but I think a nap may be a requirement life.  For sure changing positions is....ow......so goodbye.

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