Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, August 21, 2011

What If?

I am not supposed to think about what ifs.  I have a tendency to let them get totally out of control.  We spent a great deal of time and energy on first developing a high level of trust with both doctors, then on getting me very medicated for anxiety for about 9 months or so, and then working to teach me to reach to the thought of "what if" with a differently phrased thought.  It works.  I do it automatically most of the time and am aware when I don't and consciously fix it.  But I think right now, 2 days before exploratory surgery, what ifs are fair game.

Right now these are the big ones:

  • What if the medication I just took, which I take tonight and tomorrow night to make my cervix nice and easy to open, causes cramping and increases my pain level?
  • What if I am as tired yesterday as today but HAVE to have my house cleaned because they are coming to clean carpets before I leave for surgery?
  • What if they find something?
  • What if they don't?
  • What if they have trouble managing my pain with the limited options?
  • What if my surgeon is as fed up with me as i felt she was (when I was in no place to judge whatsoever due to pain, fatigue, and fear?
  • What if they make me go back to work before I feel ready? (I know Dr. Mind is on my side here so I doubt this happens.  But it could)
  • What if my basement floods again while I'm away?
  • What if my house continues to smell the way it does right now, which is AWFUL, from the wet carpets?  (I spent a lot of time and money and effort on getting right of a persistent odor of pet urine from the previous owners.  Now that the carpet got wet it is back, worse than ever.)
  • What if i'm too tired to do anymore work in this house tonight and things aren't done in time tomorrow?  If I have side effects from the medication I took I'll cancel, but I would really like to have this done before I come home.
  • What if there is a surprise in what they find?  There are many things my age puts me at low risk for but my age doesn't take into account the vast quantities of strong meds I've taken over the years.
I could go on.  Again, worry is normal here and I don't think any of this is out of control, but I am just so incredibly sleepy.  Which means that soon I sleep, no matter what, and deal with the rest of it (my house) tomorrow).

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