Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, August 20, 2011

I need to get off these drugs

I got a new dehumidifier to help with my flooded basement today.  Too bad I didn't get the bucket in correctly so that it drained all over the already wet carpet which had dried to the point of not being squishy.  Now it is squishy.

Today has physically been hard.  I'm trying to back off the pain meds as they don't do much except have side effects.  This has minimal effect on my pain but some I guess.  But today was painful and I did too much.  Then I took a long nap and still have work to do to get my bed cleaned off.

Aside from the flood my house is nearly clean.  Like spic and span, totally reorganized clean.  I am having some carpet cleaned Monday before I leave for Cleveland so I will be ready for surgery early (I hope) Tuesday.  I am hoping that the next result will be my feeling able to relax during the recovery process.

I am anxious about that.  I guess physically I probably will be ready to go back 2 weeks post-op.  Emotionally I want to have the separately cleared by Dr. Brain.  The anxiety at this point is so intense and the effects of the whole thing have me so tired and emotionally worn out that I do not want to be sent back because I'm physically ok when emotionally I still feel crummy.  I emailed her to ask about whether we can either hold my return until I see her (which is about 10 days post the surgical probable return point) or if I can come see her during the week to be cleared by her before I head back.  She didn't answer.  I know though that Dr. Mind is very supportive of this request because he says I have never asked for help in going slower, instead I've always begged to go back the second it was feasible.  This is so different though.  I feel beaten up going in and that's before people  make incisions in my belly and fill it with gas, remove various pieces of tissue and who knows what all.  I haven't slept except when my pain meds totally knock me out in weeks.  I've felt horrible for months.  When I was at pre-op the internal medicine person who cleared me for surgery told me that my iron levels and hemoglobin (which were at the very bottom of normal) were low enough that while barely avoiding intervention they would make me feel lousy.  (Normal iron has a really big range, maybe 60 numbers.  Mine was 5 too high to be treated). That means blood loss may make me feel pretty crummy and since it appears I'm going to have my period for this fun time in my life too I'm going to lose even  more here. But even that is physical.  Emotionally I can't really explain how this feels and this is before I even know what is wrong.  I am just so tired,tired beyond my ability to describe.  Not just because of being sick, but because of the stress.  I can't stand the stress anymore.  I try so hard to not consider "What if?" but there are some ugly what-ifs.  I also think I irritated the surgeon.  Or that she is a bit tired of trying to deal with all the complexities of this and my anxiety as well.  I appreciate that this has been way more preparation for something relatively minor than is usual, but I did not choose the conditions that have made it this way.  Essentially I feel like a pain in the butt patient.  But I also suspect that's got a lot to do with me and little to do with anything real.

Regardless I just want it DONE.  Tomorrow evening I take the first dose of 2 days worth of meds that open my cervix to make the procedures easier.  I can't believe it's actually time for that.

And I suppose to need to deal with laundry.  I so don't want to go find out that my new dehumidifier actually leaks and that I had it together correctly (a distinct possibility).

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