About you

On the last post Michal posted this and then I answered and realized the answer was becoming a post.  So, here's the conversation.

There IS a point to doing this! Yes, there is a lot of stuff that's been difficult to read but your aim was not to amuse! I appreciate your honesty. This "diary" has value to you, too. Thanks for letting us ride along.

No, you're right Michal, this is NOT a funny blog.  I think when I started I thought it could be, but that was before I realized that my sense of humor had changed.  I used to be  funny, the kind of ability to pop out funny statements or put together random bits of information and come up with some "only Jen would see that" observation. Some of that was mania.  Some of it was really me but has been lost or changed by my illness.  I can still be funny, but in very different ways now and being able to tell funny stories about this illness isn't where I am yet.  But when I first couldn't do that I felt it was one more thing I'd lost and this blog was supposed to discount the notion that bipolar meant loss.    I had this idea that I could write and show how normally I lived--never mind that I was terribly ill and living far from normally.  I thought I would be descriptive but not personal.  One of the original aims of this thing was that my friend a psychology professor sends students to read this to see what bipolar life is REALLY like.  I had to warn him away this time as it  was just a bit too intense for some college student to jump into some of my posts of the last 6 months with no warning.  But one thing, I actually did myself one better this way as I have changed to making this be bare naked honesty and while I can be proof that bipolar is not the end of the world (nor is abuse), I also have a blog that shows that you can't be severely bipolar or have my past and not be affected somehow.

You're right though, it is more for me than for anyone and that was the reason I didn't stop back then, although I never imagined back then when I had days and days nobody came or one person came that I could get as many hits as I do now or that I would actually have followers and be on people's Google reader.  I love all of you who come here and your support is invaluable in a world where nobody knows about such central truths to who I am, but that you come and handle my horror stories tells me so much about all of YOUR strength and compassion.  Through this blog I find more compassion in people than I have found in my life as few people have such compassion in my life.

Those of you who come here and read not knowing if you're going to want to vomit, or cry, or be angry or sad or laugh, I admire you so much.  It takes courage to READ this blog.  Believe me I do know how much.  You have no idea how many people will ask a questions that gives an answer that indicates that perhaps my childhood was hard.  Some people just change the subject not knowing how I'll feel about that.  Others are scared at the notion, like I'm going to immediately start sharing everything bad that happened.  And that's just not happening.  The only people who know most of what has been on here are you readers and 2 psychologists. That's it because I don't talk about it ever.

I read a lot of blogs.  Sometimes they are about painful topics because I find I can learn a lot from people going through their own pain.  I've been reading lately a blog called www.careforannabella.com and right when I learned of it and started reading the baby died of a horrible disease that makes the skin so fragile that a brush can peel it off.  The grace with which her family has handled her illness and loss is something I find myself thinking about frequently.  But I also know how hard it can be to go to a blog where you know there may be/will be stark pain.  And that's before you add in mood swings!

So thank you to each who comes here.  Thanks to my faithful support commenter team, and to those who read and don't comment but see something that makes you come back anyway.