Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Monday, October 19, 2009

As bad as I thought

Dr. Mind doesn't think I can do this for 3 more weeks either. Dr. Brain is out of town, but I'm under strict orders to talk to her ASAP. I'm definitely showing signs of mixed crap, I'm apparently appearing rather miserable (which is an accurate reflection of how I feel), and I am needing too much ativan and still being agitated. I think hospitalization is imminent, probably within the next week. I honestly don't know how I'm going to be feeling, so I'm not going to promise to be posting much the next few days. I'm so unbelievably tired and emotionally drained. At the minimum I will try to email the blog if I'm admitted, and I'm also going to give Julia the password so she can post for me if that happens. I'm starting to understand that I may not care enough to say much at that time. This could be way worse, but it's starting to scare me.

Julia, I'll try to email you in the morning. Jen, who posted a wonderful comment below, thank you. You are very right, and working some of this out is going to have to be part of my life when I can think again.

Otherwise, i'm going to go to bed now. I think I ate enough to qualify as something and when I finish my juice I then just have to do my relaxation tape and drift off.

What a long, long day and tomorrow isn't going to be pretty either.


Jen said...

Good luck getting through this week.

On a separate note, have you considered printing out some of these blog posts at some later point and giving them to your mom to read? I think some people have made an art out of hearing only what they want to hear - maybe your mom is one of them. A defensive tactic so one doesn't have to acknowledge hard/scary/bad things really happen? She may find it a little more difficult to ignore reality in black and white. Of course, this might be more of an emotional battle than you need now or ever.

Just know that one person (that would be me!), at least, is in awe of you. At what you've accomplished, the crap you've slogged through, the incredible strength of will AND mind to get through the physical and mental hardships to do what you need to do. Heck, just your ability to have made it through so many changes of employment without crumpling, wow.

I'm also so impressed that you've managed to keep your faith alive. I wish you had a faith family who could help you in your time of need and beyond. I hate that it hurts you to have to read a child's bible and wish that you had a trusted pastor to speak with who could help you make peace with that or figure out a way to make the bible more accessible to you.


otgirl said...

I'm thinking a children's Bible might be a really great way to go.

No lesser personage than Jesus himself said, quite plainly, that the more we are willing to be like little children, the easier it will be to approach God.

For years I tried to read the snootiest versions, even learned a little Greek, read apologies and practiced all my technical theological/philosophical/scriptural arguments. I wanted to believe that if I just read enough and was smart enough the Bible would give me all the right answers for my life, from workplace behavior to how to vote.

That confidence in complex-intelligence-as-a-means-to-truth came crashing down around my ears when I sank into a deep depression as a result of trauma about 10 years ago.

In the end it came down to: you can have Jesus, and that's all.

It's entirely possible that God danced a jig when the first Children's Bible was published because he knew that someday it would be the right tool for JustMe.

And that's what I think.