Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Someone else's denial/And, what the heck????

One of the things that is hardest with this whole thing is that I'm barely able to handle how I feel, and my mother is incapable of understanding a lot of it. I've written about this before. Too tired to link, but around the end of September.

I keep thinking about this, because the harder it is for me to cope the less I am able to cope with her. I have tried to explain this, but so far that hasn't worked very well. There have been a plethora of comments that have frustrated me, ranging from "a week? But you'll be so bored!" to "What do I TELL people?", to anger that I won't let her visit me (nobody who doesn't understand this may visit, I am not putting on my strong face during this time) to the latest (when told Dr. Mind instructed me to cook now), "You're really going to feel THAT bad after a week?". She has no clue how bad I feel now. She gets upset that I don't want to do things on weekends (she wants to clean my house. I couldn't care less as long as I have clean work clothes). Today I actually called and offered, but without enough advance notice. I needed that extra sleep..... So instead she tried to assign me jobs to do. In my own house. Which is plenty annoying, reminiscent of a big fight the year I moved in about THIS IS MY HOUSE NOT YOURS TO CONTROL, but also just so disrespectful of how I feel. I've tried every way I know to explain that this is going to make me feel rotten. She continually expresses surprise when I even begin to show it.

I can't even begin to imagine how I'm going to handle her during the next couple months. I can't imagine how she is going to take my refusal to participate in Thanksgiving. Dr. Mind says I can blame him, and I will, but my feeling crappy and her not being able to begin to understand this is going to suck. Especially if it gets to the point that I need to point out to her that she needs to calm down, because right now Dr. Mind is telling me that we'll determine if I'm allowed to do Christmas closer to that date. Thanksgiving off was my decision, although he would have told me to think about it if I hadn't. I had no concept of skipping Christmas, but he's right.

I remember several years ago, the year I was so extremely sick with ulcers and lithium toxicity and a mixed episode, and my assistant had been fired and I was working 50-60 hours per week, and I skipped Easter. She gave me an incredibly hard time. I couldn't hold down food, I hadn't had time to myself in weeks and she was angry. So this should be even bigger fun. I'm about half-tempted to have her go see Dr. Mind so he can deliver the news, but first I seriously doubt she'd go (I couldn't even get her to go the Dr. Brain's waiting room when she went with me to an appointment) and second he'd make me be there and I am not comfortable with that. I may have him write a note though. I think he would do that.

And I need to go change soups. 3 down, cooking.

Now for the big question of the day: I know depression has different sets of symptoms, and I know this is bipolar depression, and I know that beyond that I'm bipolar and typically any episode becomes mixed, but for weeks it's been all I could do to stay awake all day. Now, suddenly, I'm about to take a big dose of ativan because I'm far too wide awake. What?????????????

No comments: