Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


I don't get this. I mean I do, my stuff must have gotten buried in Dr. Brain's pile after being off for a number of days. But....I haven't heard from her. No call, no email. She's been known to call late, but that was before when she was in private practice, not remotely recently. So, I have spent the whole day jumping when the phone rang, or someone else's phone rang, and furiously rushing through the last 2 hours of my very long day sure that I'd have at least an email. And nothing.

So, I'm giving her a while longer to get back to me tonight. If I haven't heard by the time I'm ready to go to sleep I'll call and leave a message for Dr. Mind that I am getting worse and I need badly to speak to him because I need him to call Dr. Brain. Then I'll explain to him the situation and that I cannot go back to work Monday. I just can't. Today I nearly cried because I'd already had this hugely busy day and got called to go to my 2nd building for 2 evals. I did the minimum possible on both because I could not work any longer than I already had. It had to be done or I'd have had to go tomorrow and that would be even worse, but it still was awful. I can make an 8 hour day, but this week is far beyond those and I just can't. I'm beyond tired and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep.

I hate this. Admitting I can't do something, especially something like this, is so far from my normal that it is pretty much unprecedented, much less my admitting I need a hospital sooner rather than later. And then to not have anything happen, not even a "working on it", or a "if you wait until Monday you can go to the better for you unit", or whatever, is so hard. And it's not like this is all over when she says ok. I have to pre-certify with my insurance, a process I have no idea how to do. I have to find the strength to pack beyond making a pile of things to take. I have to say goodbye to my cats, one of whom has already climbed totally inside my suitcase.I have to tell work.

Even though I know what has happened and I know that I may have been one of 75 people who felt they had an emergent situation, because I'm feeling the way I do it also makes me feel like I'm called "dramatic" and "she'll be fine". I know this is not true. However, I've been trying to get questions answered and telling her I'm not ok for several weeks now and I am angry. If nothing else, she knows I only call if things are really wrong. The last time I called her I was trying to resume lithium and had some toxicity on the dose I was taking. That was 3 years ago. Otherwise I email. But I also know Dr. Mind will effectively take care of it. Hopefully he'll be moderate enough to keep me out of the hospital until I've had time to say pack. I think so, I think he'll listen, but I also suspect he'll be rather unhappy with Dr. Brain.

Maybe it's my fault. I may have understated this with the secretary. Maybe I should have worded it differently. I thought that "the psychologist and I think I need to be hospitalized sooner" should have said it, but who knows how that was typed by the secretary. That has happened before that a message wasn't given as I said and so Dr. Brain didn't react like she would have normally. That required Dr. Mind's intervention as well.

The only thing I know if that this sucks. A lot.


Julia said...

Yes, this does suck, a lot. I think using the word "critical" for anymore messages left for the doc would be appropriate.

I'm sorry about this, but you realize you are getting through this, right? You are strong, because even though it doesn't feel like it, you are in control.

You are doing this. Be well, my friend. Sending prayers and hugs.

Q was wondering about what sound you liked?

Just Me said...

It sucks less now at least. I'm so glad to have a day, and truthfully I'm very thankful for the weekend home. I will be able to sleep and rest with quiet, pack slowly, and clean the kitchen, take out trash, etc. Which are all good things.

The problem with the word critical or any really strong word like that is that it gets me admitted in a way my dr doesn't control and my situation is too complex to have med students and residents messing with my meds. They will while I'm there, but it will be limited by actions of my dr in advance.

So far my favorite noise is rain. I've not gotten to use Sophia II much because my cat gets jealous. (Which is pretty much why I got her, she's something to hang onto instead of the cat I sleep curled up with. NO way to replace the one who curls up on my hip until I'm asleep. So she's waiting in the suitcase.