Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, October 04, 2009


To the best of my knowledge (meaning nobody is giving me any facts), I will be admitted in one month and 2 days. It's not soon enough. I want this month of waiting to feel worse and worse over. I'm now on 65 mg. I have to get to at least 20. That is assuming that the hospital doctor has agreed to do this the rather experimental way.

There are so many things I need to do in this time. I ordered a smaller weighted blanket today. Hopefully they'll let me have it. If not I'll have one to travel with. I need slippers. I want a certain kind and dread the trip to the mall to get them. Ordering them means paying shipping which is dumb when I go past the store daily. I need pajamas. The ones I have don't fit well enough to wear in public. I also need a few more pairs of pants I can wear there and at least 5 more shirts. Losing so much weight (41 lbs now!) is great, but it also means having almost no clothes because very little fits from last year. And that's on top of needing several more blouses for work. I also have to figure out work (they're not telling me anything), remember to have them hold my mail, change a dental appointment, arrange for my 6 month check-up and labs, get some books and other things to do while I'm incarcerated, get rid of all food in my house that is soy-based or contains other ingredients I won't be able to eat anymore, try out a recipe I want to make for Thanksgiving and won't feel like messing with after the hospital, make and freeze some meals, get all my prescriptions ready for when I come home and won't feel good, and arrange for people to help out with a few things.

I think the worst part is that I feel out of control. My mood isn't fabulous and rather that take something to improve it I'll be doing things that make it feel worse. For years I've been trained to react as soon as something feels wrong and now not only am I not doing that, I'm actually doing something every few days to feel even worse. I don't what is happening; I don't know even where I'll be working after 11/6. That's the thing with traveling work, everything is in 13 week increments. I thought that at week 6-7 we started figuring out a new contract, but this is week 8 and I know nothing. I want to know what the hospital looks like. It seems so simple but apparently it isn't.

So, after many years of being terrified of the hospital now I just want it to happen already. I want it over with.

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