Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, October 03, 2009

It's definetely started

Almost immediately after my first dose cut I started feeling a little different. I've been terribly anxious since this all because something that was going happen rather than something that might happen. The anxiety has grown to immense proportions because nothing is developing into a firm plan and that's frightening. I haven't heard a word from Dr. Brain. Sometimes her email gets messed up, so it might be that. Or she just doesn't know. Except that some of it she's the one who SHOULD know, like what the taper schedule is for the old antidepressant. Which means more than likely it's her email, but it's still stressing me out terribly.

Today though I realized that it's hitting more and more. I've gotten teary a couple times in the last few days, but today was the first time I was crying about something that wasn't worth tears; my DSL connection got messed up and took me 45 minutes to get it back and I was about to lose it totally. And my mom is kind of pressuring me to do something tomorrow and I really can't do it, and that upset me. Which turned into being mad at my mother. She's not getting this very well and I know that, but she also just puts out of her mind the parts she doesn't like. She also seems to think this is a very stupid decision. While she has worried about what to tell people about me being in the hospital (duh, you tell them the truth?), and about what if I gain weight from the new med, she has yet to ask how I'm feeling or how I feel about this happening. She finally called me grouchy today and I pointed out that if someone took away her antidepressant she might be cheery either. Then that revelation was shocking.

I have little patience for that. I told her I would be feeling bad over the time we're tapering. I told her that as plain as day at the beginning. She never processes what she doesn't like. It gets so very old.

And I'm still grouchy and I'm tired, (I got a new bed today and the assembly and organization of the project was exhausting, but it is soooooooooo comfortable. It's a memory foam thing that was actually shipped her in a box FedEx. So far I love it) so I'm going to stop writing and work on getting sleepy.

Tonight is my 2nd dose reduction. I'm going to reduce from now on by a half pill at a time and take 3 days on a half pill, then 4 days on the whole pills, then 3 on a half, until I'm down to the goal.

Maybe this week someone will tell me something.......I feel like there is so much I need to do before I go to the hospital and I want to do as much as possible as soon as possible while I feel ok but I also just want to have a firm plan. But it seems that is too much to ask......

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