Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Cancelling holidays

I just got home from Dr. Mind's. From now until this is over I'll be seeing him every 3-4 days. This lets me deal with the anxiety, lets me talk to someone about this, and allows him to monitor how I am. There is always the risk that this will get really bad and I'll need the hospital sooner. That's his call this time. I will not fight him. Probably should mention that part to him....

As we talked tonight something came out of my mouth that I can't believe I didn't realize I'd been thinking about. When Dr. Brain and I discussed this she mentioned Thanksgiving coming soon after my hospitalization, just as a note that I'll have a day off my first week back to work. And as I've been thinking about things to make this all easier I've apparently added in the idea that Thanksgiving may not happen for me this year. I first said it tentatively, as part of a discussion about dealing with my sister-in-law (who is overbearing and thinks she knows everything about psych issues because she was a clerk on a psych ward) not being high on my list of things to do right away. First I said something about maybe not participating this year. Dr. Mind agreed and said I may not even be up for Christmas. With a late Thanksgiving this year that may actually be true, although I'll probably not totally boycott that one. But the more I talked the more I realized that I just don't need Thanksgiving this year. It's going to cause waves, and I'm not bringing it up until much, much closer (probably soon after I get out of the hospital in mid-November), but I am pretty sure that I'm taking one holiday off. At the very least I'm leaving it that way in my mind because the relief from that was immense. In fact, that decision makes me feel more relaxed than I have since this became a reality.

In other news the absent-mindedness is growing. My cell phone broke this morning and I had to go get a new one because I need it for work. When I paid with my debit card, the same way I pay for nearly everything, I had a terrible time remembering my PIN. I've had this account for 2 years and have used that card thousands of times. I also deliberately checked the size in a pair of pants last night and ironed them. This morning I put them on and they wouldn't even stay on my hips. I'm down another full pants size, but I don't have any in that size yet. These were at least 4 sizes too big. Then I checked and ironed another pair, only to discover they were 2 sizes too big.

I'm also starting to lose weight from this. I'm all for weight loss and even though I've lost 43 pounds I still have a nice long way to go to get back to an ideal weight (about 25 more lbs), this isn't a good way. I'm just not hungry. I'm picking more than eating. I do ok with breakfast, but the rest of the day I'm barely eating. I'm just not hungry. I'm sure it's depression, but it is not an ok way to lose weight. I've lost 3 lbs since I knew about the long hospital stay (until that time I knew it was likely I'd need to be in the hospital, but not that I'd need to go pre-emptively or that it would be for so long, or that I'd need a full 2 weeks off work.) So I bought things to make several things over the weekend that hopefully will keep me eating through next week.

Overall though, I'm really doing ok. I'll be glad when it is over, but I'm making it. Which is better than I thought possible. I guess it is something that I have made it through 2 weeks of this, even if I'm not enjoying it.

1 comment:

*b* said...

i feel relieved many times when i cancel highly hyped events too. i sometimes feel guilt, too, but ultimately, the relief is worth it! take the time you need for YOU.