Unbelievable

Here's how much my mother doesn't get this.

For the first 23 or 24 years of my life one of my best friends was my cousin. We grew up spending as much time together as possible, writing tons of letters, and enjoying sharing out lives. We were 6 months apart in age, so we went through everything growing up simultaneously, although she had the benefit of sane parents.

Sometime in grad school she simply stopped answering my emails or calling me or talking for more than a second if I called her. I took the hint pretty quickly. In the last 10 years we've spoken once. I still have no idea why, what I did that she didn't like, and I still miss her terribly. I also avoid her because it hurts and I have no idea how to demand to know why she decided she didn't like me.

My mother knows this. We've been through it over and over. But she just can't seem to understand that forcing me to spend time feeling hurt won't fix anything.

I just got a call, fairly early for someone who needs as much sleep as I do right now (although I was up), to tell me that my mom wanted me to drive up to see that cousin and her kids today. I said no, citing tiredness, and once again could hear that impatience in her voice. Why am I insisting on sitting around when being out would be good for me? Why not just face the cousin because surely it won't be at all awkward and no painful memories will come ot the surface? In fact, I'm sure we'll be best friends again without a minute.

So it's starting: she's getting mad at me for not doing what she thinks I can/should do.