Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Harder than I thought

So this whole thing with my antidepressants is going to be harder than I anticipated. I really thought I'd be ok for a while. Instead I'm on day 4 of the first cut and I am ok, but I do feel a difference. In a way this is good, because it means that we definitely are doing the right thing and that I didn't have a chance of surviving SAD without any room to increase. However knowing that doesn't totally negate that his isn't going to be easy.

Today is my first day this year with my SAD lamp. We're hoping that will give me a boost as we continue the changes. Because of the type of lamp I have I am able to adjust the intensity, so we're starting at the lowest setting and then I'll go up as my meds go down. For now it is really interesting my cat, who has so far made me turn it off when I grabbed at it, and finally it is sitting at a bizarre angle because he kept knocking it over. It says in the book that cats are sometimes attracted to the lights. I don't remember my cats ever caring, but my mom's cat loves it.

The thing I'm having the hardest time right now is that I have no definites. I don't know precisely when I'll be admitted. I don't know if I'll have to be totally off by then or if the hospital doctor has agreed to do this the way Dr. Brain hopes. Work hasn't responded when asked about the time off between contracts (which is killing me. Last night I dreamed they fired me.). I don't know how I'll feel in 5 weeks, the last week of my contract. I don't know if a few things that are so important to me at night will be allowed, namely my weighted blanket and my own pillow. I don't know yet if Dr. Mind will be able to increase my visits for a while to monitor me while I do this and to help reduce some of the stress I'm going to be feeling.

You know that old Cher song about "if I could turn back time I could find my way"? Well I would never, ever want to turn back time. My past is not something I want to relive. But right now I would love to turn time forward. Just 5 weeks and 2 days. Would that be too much to ask?

1 comment:

otgirl said...

Oh Man! This is so scary and exciting. I am actually biting my nails for you a little bit. Thanks so much for posting as you go.