Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Let it out

Many years ago I had a 3 week period where I slept only a few hours total. It was before I was diagnosed and I had started an antidepressant relatively recently. Since we had no idea antidepressants were risky for me nobody thought much about that being the cause of the problem. Some very difficult things were occurring in my life at that time and we all thought it was the stress. During that same time period I was unable to see the psychologist of the day for several weeks. Some emails were sent and there was a phone call when I started feeling suicidal, but I didn't feel I could begin to explain parts of what were going on until I could do so in person.

By the time we finally had that conversation I was holding on by a thread. I know now that I was deep into a mixed episode and that corresponded with hearing the most difficult news I've ever heard. It turned into a therapy session that stretched on for several hours and ultimately helped me relax enough to sleep, then get on medication that actually helped within the next day or so (maybe the same day? I don't remember).

During that long therapy session I started out talking very factually about what had happened. After an hour or so I was out of facts and started crying. The therapist handed me some tissues, sat back, and told me to just let it out. I cried for the next hour or so. Crying has never felt so good after all that time of forcing myself to be strong. I am not very good at crying; it is something I've had to learn and while I do cry with Dr. Mind it took years. In 7 years with Dr. Brain I think she's probably seen me cry 3 times.

The fact I'm not good at crying doesn't make it any less helpful to do so sometimes. For years now I've had periods when all I wanted to do was cry, but I couldn't. Right now I'm entering one of those phases. I cried-hard-whole-body-collapsed-to-the-floor crying when my friend died last week. I am now at a point where I just want to cry, and it doesn't happen. Hopefully tomorrow with Dr. Mind I can relax enough to feel that some of this awful emotion is gone.

Regardless I just want something to let up. All of these feelings and the anxiety are starting to feel very heavy.

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