For many years I have fought tooth and nail against hospitalization. I've avoided it many times, through a combination of knowing the right language, my doctor knowing me very well, and begging. Up until now if I had needed the hospital like I do now I would still have had a hard time because I was so opposed to the whole thing.
But this is ok because the time is right. For one thing even I am convinced all other options have been tried. That's a big part of it. For another, I know my doctor well enough to know she wouldn't do this without reason. And finally, by some miracle about 6 months ago I realized I wasn't terrified anymore. I even remember saying that to Dr. Mind, pretty much out of nowhere since I was doing extremely well.
It's good when life comes together to work well. I should be there in 14 more hours.........Amazingly I think I'm even going to sleep tonight. I'm tired and haven't even taken meds yet.
The weirdest part right now is the admission. I have read so many admission reports that I know a lot of what they will look at. And that's weird. Like the fact that I'm wearing a shirt that is too large (because I only have shirts that are too large and shirts that are new) and what will undoubtedly be an unruly ponytail because I'm not messing with my hair in the morning (I want to shower tonight which means either soaking my hair in the morning or wearing it back and tomorrow is stressful enough that I want to be comfortable) will make me appear more depressed. Which I guess is true, I'd find other clothes or iron a blouse if I didn't feel like a slug. Although truthfully today more more manicky and I've got some energy. However, it's been daily cycling so tomorrow isn't likely to be manicky.
I didn't expect to be sleepy tonight......