Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, October 25, 2009

This is why this is ok

For many years I have fought tooth and nail against hospitalization. I've avoided it many times, through a combination of knowing the right language, my doctor knowing me very well, and begging. Up until now if I had needed the hospital like I do now I would still have had a hard time because I was so opposed to the whole thing.

But this is ok because the time is right. For one thing even I am convinced all other options have been tried. That's a big part of it. For another, I know my doctor well enough to know she wouldn't do this without reason. And finally, by some miracle about 6 months ago I realized I wasn't terrified anymore. I even remember saying that to Dr. Mind, pretty much out of nowhere since I was doing extremely well.

It's good when life comes together to work well. I should be there in 14 more hours.........Amazingly I think I'm even going to sleep tonight. I'm tired and haven't even taken meds yet.

The weirdest part right now is the admission. I have read so many admission reports that I know a lot of what they will look at. And that's weird. Like the fact that I'm wearing a shirt that is too large (because I only have shirts that are too large and shirts that are new) and what will undoubtedly be an unruly ponytail because I'm not messing with my hair in the morning (I want to shower tonight which means either soaking my hair in the morning or wearing it back and tomorrow is stressful enough that I want to be comfortable) will make me appear more depressed. Which I guess is true, I'd find other clothes or iron a blouse if I didn't feel like a slug. Although truthfully today more more manicky and I've got some energy. However, it's been daily cycling so tomorrow isn't likely to be manicky.

I didn't expect to be sleepy tonight......

1 comment:

Michal Ann said...

Jen dear, in some ways, this is so stinking weird...can you imagine contrasting your experience with that of a chemo patient?? There is no judgment in seeking the needed treatment!! Everyone prays for HEALING! You need "chemo"!! A chemical adjustment! Why would anyone judge the need for medication? Hospitalization?? Weight loss?? Clothes too big? Fatigue?? Mania? Restless? DEPRESSION??

I cared (hospice) for my dearest friend until exactly one year ago today. She died within the hour when her husband asked me to leave them alone together. It was her "life bed"--not her "death bed." Robin is living life eternal...and SO ARE YOU DEAR JEN!

I love you...and as I read Psalms this morning in church, I saw so many verses that might bless you. (Do they have Gideon Bibles in the dresser drawers in your hospital??)

Psalm 3: 8 "For salvation comes from God. What joys He gives to all His people."

I know you don't feel "happy" but may you feel JOY as you heal!!

Love in Jesus, Michal