Oh

So the not being able to wake up or feel like writing at all thing wasn't so much about being tired and was a lot about how severely depressed I am. I realized this after I laid for many hours without being able to do anything, including bothering to eat or go to the bathroom.

Then the agitation hit. I'm almost done packing. I just need one load of laundry to dry. I've even almost finished changing my sheets. That will motivate me to shower.

I've progressed into where I suspected I'd be by now, the place where if I didn't already have the hospital stay planned I'd be going anyway. I think I told Dr. Brain that I'd get there about Saturday, so I was pretty accurate.

I did manage to eat an orange, the first food I've had that wasn't soup, a Nutrigrain bar, candy or a cookie I ate only because I had no other food available 12 hours after I last ate, in over a week. It's been almost 2 weeks since the last time I ever tried to eat something besides those things or oatmeal, which I've also moved past. I hadn't even realized. I've lost just about 10 lbs this month, and I certainly haven't tried.

Earlier today I told a friend that I'm nervous enough about my insurance trying to deny my need to be in the hospital that I would lie if I had to about feeling suicidal. While I am NOT and please don't worry about it, I also realized today that I've reached the point where the only reason I'm not actively suicidal is that I am way, way too tired and because I am very focused on there is an end in sight to this awfulness. If I hadn't arranged this for now I'd be admitted this week anyway, something I sort of knew but now realize is really, really true. So now I just have to be honest when being admitted. Which is harder than I can tell you. If it was Dr. Brain or Dr. Mind it would be one thing, but it's not and I'm so used to putting on my "social face" with everyone else that being like this for the new dr. is going to be hard.

It's actually amusing now to take depression scale and anxiety scales. Because I normally would score with some symptoms, it's pretty funny to see what happens when you score at the absolute top of the scale. Some websites even will send you to a special page about how you need help NOW. No kidding. (ok, so at this point anything that isn't asking questions about what happens is fun.)

I took my meds so I guess I need to get ready for bed. Either I fall asleep very quickly or very, very slowly these days. Impossible to know which.