Nights are my worst time and tonight has been terrible. Twice I've tried to turn off the light and wound up more awake than before. So then I got hungry, really hungry, for the first time in 3 days (up to now today's intake was a miniature root beer float, some mashed potatoes, and a PBJ. Yesterday was worse, I think a PBJ was all I ate all day long. Oh and a peach. So I warmed up some food, came back to my bedroom and glanced over to see my pills, sitting right where I left them when I went to get water that I never got. So I took them, because I don't want to screw my body up even more than it is, and am now praying that they treat me kindly because I have to be up and ready to go about 6:45. My mom is going to meet me and take the cats to the vets for me, saving me saying good-bye exactly and also cutting about 45 minutes off my drive. But I need to get there pretty early so I can see the doctor and hopefully get something to help me calm down and rest. I just hope that wasn't too much medication too late; I would have normally cut the klonopin dose some but it is so high I'd have withdrawl and I'm coping with enough.
Thank you all for your support. I will be able to post from inside.
There are positives to this. One is that I knew this was coming and decided it; the last time it was a decision I made, but it was made because there was no other choice for an antidepressant. This time I know perfectly well that there is no more treatment that is going to work outside. If you can't sleep with as much medication as I'm taking there is nothing that is safely used without monitoring at least while starting. Also they will be able to track what I'm doing and how my days progress which gives them more information on how to help. For example, if I'm up all night they'll sedate me at night. If I start getting agitated at 4 then they will start treating me at 4.
The other thing is that it sucks that I'm really sick, but at the same time it has been TWO YEARS since I have been this sick. I used to operate just above this level 80% of the time, and the other 20% was worse nearly entirely worse.
Hopefully rainbow shifting will be fast and I'll be me again soon. And I'll sleep some....Just 2 goals for the moment.
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4 comments:
My thoughts will be with you, Jen. I hope it goes smoothly and you find peaceful sleep very soon.
I hope they can get you stabilized fast in the hospital. It is not a fun place to be, but sometimes the best place to be for a little bit.
As I write this, you're on your way.
When you arrive and get settled in I hope it's a short time until you are helped to find calm. Peace. Comfort. Rest. Sleep. Deep, deep sleep.
As you said Jen, you need more help now than you can receive at home. You are once again making the right choices for your health. Be proud. And be hopeful too!
B.
Sending warm hugs from all of us and Sophia.
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