Strange

So that outburst yesterday has led to a deep, heart-to-heart with my cousin who was also a victim of my grandfather and had a horribly abusive childhood as well.  I didn't know what for a fact, but it made sense.   I think our fathers were similar.   The odd thing is that they weren't the right birth order for that to make a much sense, they were 2 and 4 and there was probably 10 years between them.  Number 3 was probably sexually abused but that's a total guess.

The thing is that I never though I'd have that conversation.  It's almost worth the stinking insomnia.  I took a lot of extra seroquel today and it has done NOTHING.  Last night valium didn't help so I didn't take it; I guess now I take valium and pray.  I have this feeling I'm going to be off work longer to get this fixed; nothing I do helps and although today I had more pain meds than I have in a while the last dose I took was nearly 12 hours ago.

I  realize I sound like I'm discussing  difficult things at bedtime but I'm not. I just don't get sleepy anymore.   Ever.  I exercised 45 minutes, I cooked a meal, I cut up a whole big watermelon, I finished my niece's nat except the pompom and I made 2 of those just not correct ones, I stayed out of the bedroom until bedtime, I've had no caffeine in 4 years, and I'm still WIDE AWAKE.   I also only slept 7 hours last night even with a ton of valium and extra seroquel so it's not like I'm sleeping all day.

This is so, so annoying.