Today simply has not been good. I was ok through my appointment with Dr. Mind. He thought I was doing a little better. But since then it has just not been good. I'm extremely anxious, dipping into (safe) anxiety meds that aren't even really on my list. But I needed more than prescribed. I've cried a good bit and seem to be worrying about everything. A few years ago we worked very hard between Dr. Mind, Dr. Brain and me to get anxiety meds that let me learn to be less anxious. That feels totally undone right now. My brain chemistry feels like it's ready to implode. Dr. Mind keeps ending sessions with the entire what-do-you-do-if-things-get-too-bad
thing and today I see why. I am not at the hurting myself point, but I'm not far enough away, if that makes any sense (and it probably only will if you've been here).
In the hospital the anxiety seemed to be about nothing. Now it's about specifics.
I'm trying to work on things that are making me anxious. I have a list of questions for Dr. Body that hopefully he'll be willing to do while I wait for Dr. Brain. I'd love it if he would increase the Emsam, because 2 weeks is the time to increase and unless something changes drastically I'll need that increase. That one may have to wait for Dr. Brain though; I doubt he'll be very comfortable there. But I'm praying (and ready to beg) for more anxiety meds. Regardless he's going to have to write refills or I'm in trouble. It's a good thing I have a good relationship with him though because I'm going to be asking for a lot. Especially after the intensity with which I have made it known over the years that he doesn't touch my psychotropics.
I am probably going to be paying for a bottle of Nuvigil. Provigil is the older version but it's actually much more expensive (Over $100, and I have a $50 coupon for Nuvigil). I'm calling around to see where it is cheapest. Theoretically when this is approved by insurance I can get the money back, but all that on a credit card is going to be wonderful.
And my last move tonight will be writing my letter to Walgreens about what they did to me. I plan to post that on the blog in its entirety, as well as I'm going to send it to every manager, store owner, head of pharmacy, etc, that I can come up with. I am honestly more angry than I was when CVS gave me a high dose of the wrong drug a while back, a dose that could have killed me. That was a mistake. This was giving totally incorrect and upsetting information to someone very vulnerable. I may even be making a whole new blog just for that one post, because I am really angry. We'll see.
I really, really hate this part of my life. I know that I'm responding some, as evidenced by not wanting to actively hurt myself. It's just hard to count that as actual progress, to have gone from being prepared to hurt myself anyway possible to just thinking about not wanting to not keep doing this.
This is one of those nights I just need to end. Tomorrow's goal is to do one load of laundry.
Monday's goal is excessive honesty with both Dr. Mind and Dr. Body. If that means begging Dr. Body to call someone for guidance that's fine. I just think that the fact that I was sent home with not enough pills to get me to my follow-up, and no specific doctor for me to contact or for Dr. Mind to contact (a point which he came up with today, presumably because he doesn't think I'm in super shape here), and no instructions for little things like when to increase Emsam. They knew Dr. Brain was off. I don't think they knew she didn't want me to see someone else, and I'm sure she did that thinking it would help me. But it's way too complicated.
Anyway, time to write an angry letter.