Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Questioning my abilities

I know that I'm the midst of a waiting game. I know I've had some response to the drug and that this is a positive sign. I also know that I perceive the waiting as much longer than it has been because of the long time I was tapering. That taper was a mistake. I should have tried to just do the entire taper inpatient, and switch, taking a month off of how long this has lasted.

But right now I just don't know if I can do this. I'm so tired and so extremely anxious and I've had a ton of anxiety meds and lo and behold the dose increase didn't do anything in one day. Which it shouldn't, but it's just so hard to be patient.

I'm keeping a countdown of how long it will be before I see Dr. Brain. I can call in 18 days now. So about 3 weeks. I have it in my head she can make it all better. I doubt this, but somehow it is what my brain has latched onto.

I don't know what to write. I don't know what would hlep. I just need to get through this time and that's so hard. I know I did the right thing, the only thing that made sense. But I keep questioning if I could have tolerated the other med if I'd tried harder.

I hate everything right now. It does me no good, but I just can't find pleasure in much. I know sometimes depression feels worst when it's starting to imporve. I'm really hoping that is thte case today.

Sorry for such an obnoxious post.


Michal Ann said...

Dear JustMe...good ol' YOU!

Glad you're sounding off. Feel free! You're thinking and feeling your way through a challenging season. Don't worry about offending your readers by being "obnoxious" unless you find that you're rehearsing the grievances in a way that's hurting YOU. Now how did patients get called "patients"? You DO need a lot of PATIENCE! Hang on!

You're doing the best you can and that's pretty darn good. Tapering off meds was what you thought was the best strategy. You were responsible and long-suffering. You also did it with doctor's guidance and supervision. You wrote: "I know I did the right thing, the only thing that made sense. But I keep questioning if I could have tolerated the other med if I'd tried harder." I seriously seriously doubt that "trying harder" has ANYTHING to do with the chemistry of all this! By these notes, perhaps you can guide others and certainly you can debrief it with all with your good doctors but PLEASE be gentle with yourself!

This too shall pass! You have every reason to be tired. Oh, how I wish you'd find something sweet for your great brain latch on to! Speaking of your newest focus, good news! 18 days is really only 2.5 weeks...that much closer!

Can you channel some energy into a collage? Cut up some magazines and tell some stories through colors or images? Exercise? I sure wish you had more trusted people to talk with!! (Very gentle nudge nudge.) Do you pray outloud?

Guess what I found in Isaiah? "In quietness and confidence shall be thy strength." (Is. 30:15 "For the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, says: Only in returning to me and waiting for me will you be saved; in quietness and confidence is your strength.") It takes faith to choose quietness and confidence, how well I know. I will pray that your faith and confidence increase as God pours a new measure of grace upon you, dear JustMe and that you choose every single life-affirming behavior and thought. I LOVE and HONOR your life!

In His love, Michal

Julia said...

I'm hoping you are feeling better too.

When I talk to most who've lost their babies to ARPKD and question their course of care or a decision they made I ALWAYS say (and I mean it) that what they did was RIGHT right then, it doesn't matter what else you find out, it doesn't matter if another person did this and something else happened.

Likewise, you can never question the decisions you make 2 or 3 months ago, or one month ago, or yesterday. Those were right. You did the right thing.

otgirl said...

Hi Just Me,
I'm so appreciating reading your story and experience. Please hang in there, keep telling your story.