Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Not handling things well

My confrontation with my mother made me cry. I don't even know why. I feel like she doesn't listen. I told her at least twice that I was going to see Dr. Mind and then get an H1N1 shot (which I didn't get) today and I wouldn't be home most of the day. Then that turns into "I don't know where you are and I'm worried". And since she called twice in a short time I got worried and kept calling her, only to get no answer. Why? Because she was ignoring the beeps. I'm not allowed to ignore calls when I'm SLEEPING, but she can ignore the beeps she causes by pestering me. And her solution: I should call and let her know I'm going to be sleeping. I did that last night because I went to bed pretty early and didn't want wakened. But during the day I should be allowed to do whatever I want. I'm no longer voluntarily committed........

And then her solution? After waking me up angry and crying and then ignoring my trying to get in touch for a lot time, "well, just go back to sleep". Um, kind of hard to do that when I'm this upset.........

And then she wants to know if I'm sleeping so much because of meds or because I'm not sleeping at night. I tried to point out that if I'd had H1N1 she wouldn't worry about my resting and I've been at least that sick, but she will never get it. It's not like I'm going to tell her how suicidal I was last week or what last week felt like, and even if I did she wouldn't get it.

But my anxiety levels actually dip below the worst they could be on those stupid # scales, then I talk to her or something like this happens and I'm back to 580/10. And the supplemental anxiety med does NOTHING when i'm this upset.

Next week is going to make me totally crazy. Dr. Mind is leaving town for a few days, so I have appointments with him Monday and Tuesday then am left to my own devices the rest of the week. Which gives her lots of time to pester me. I actually wish I'd made my appt with Dr. Body a separate day just for another reason to be away. Because she is going to do everything in her power to keep me from resting like I need to because sleeping too much is "bad for me". And nothing will convince her otherwise. Not even "You know what Dr. Mind says I need the most? SLEEP".

I've had it. I'm giving the last anxiety pill a little longer to work then moving on to my last option until my bedtime meds, which I suspect will be early tonight.

This feels like it is never, ever, going to end.

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