Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, November 08, 2009

I have a plan

I don't know what this will actually do for me, but it has calmed me some so it's worth it.

I finally sat down with index cards and made a list for Dr. Body of what I need and why, and then I wrote a paragraph for Dr. Mind to tell him specifically what I need. I realized that if I'm going to make Dr. Body play psychiatrist having back-up from Dr. Mind is going to help. I will do best if I have someone verifying that my depression is still severe and my anxiety warrants more Klonopin. The Klonopin is going to be tough, because I'm actually on quite a bit. But I need a 3rd dose, mid-day, at least for now. The med I'm taking PRN that gets taken at that time is worthless 99% of the time. The only times it has helped has been when it put me to sleep, and that's not very functional.

I'm also going to make sure Dr. Mind knows that I'm still very afraid I'm going to be back in the hospital. I think he does, but I always relax with him and so he's seeing my best moments of the day.

One more thing I can't believe I'm going to do, but I think I need to: I'm going to talk to him about coming up to talk to someone while he is gone. I've always refused to see a stranger for one visit, but the only things that help right now are talking to him and this blog and I would feel a lot safer is someone is keeping an eye on me. I did a good job knowing what it was time to go to the hospital, but I don't really want to rely on that because I had a lot of cueing from him. It would mean a 3rd appt this week, but I really don't care. I'd rather be dependent for a while. I've already explained that to him and rather than lecture me about needing to not rely on him so much he just told me I'm going through a rough time and it's ok.

We'll see how well I stick to all this tomorrow. More than anything I know that I need to increase the antidepressant dose. I think it is why I feel ok for a few hours in the morning and then crumble in the afternoon/evening. I no longer think what the hospital doctors thought was true is quite right: they blamed the anxiety on the new med. The thing is that the anxiety was horrible before I started Emsam. The anxiety started to get bad as soon as the taper of the imipramine was underway. I think that imipramine really helped with anxiety for me and we didn't know how much. And so far we've not replaced it effectively. Klonopin definetely helps more than Ativan, but there is a long way to go before I get to feel peaceful.

And I may be getting sleepy. No nap today because I was too worked up all day. Not good. Tomorrow is busy; Dr. Mind at 1, then I have to kill about an hour, then drive to Dr. Body and wait for at least 30 minutes, and then he's going to have to spend a decent amount of time with me. He always does, but this is a lot worse than my usual check-up.

Hopefully no more posts tonight.

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