Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Wednesday, November 04, 2009


I wrote a few days ago that the first thing I'd do on the blogwould be respond to comments. As it turns out, I was wrong. I'm not cognitively able to do that yet. It's coming though, when I am ready. Right now it's going to be all about taking on only tiny things.

So instead, here's the story of yesterday afternoon. I'll write about how I got discharged, but that's a much later story.

The first bad thing that happened was that they waited until the end to tell me Dr. Brain won't be my doctor until December because of a medical leave. It sounded like she asked them not to tell me until the end.I have no idea what doctor I'll be seeing or when, and I won't know until tomorrow. I also don't know when I do see her again; I've been seeing her at the end of each month and I'd much rather get in earlier during a work week if needed because I'm not going to feel ok and sure of all this until I hear it from her.

I can't even explain how I feel about seeing someone I don't know at all for my follow-up (s). After having had pretty good experiences with both my inpatient doctors I feel better than I might have, but still, there is nobody like Dr. Brain.

I also have this paranoia thing that whenever someone is inaccessible like this I'm afraid they'll never be back. I'm sure that stems from all the fears I've got of what might happen to me someday. But it's very hard to trust that in December she'll be back.

Unfortunately my emotions are still out of control enough to make this really upsetting. It seems like one more thing going wrong. The most important thing has happened, the med seems to be working some, but I still have so far to go, and all I want are my usual doctors and my usual routine.

And THIS is why I really didn't want to come home today.........I still have 29 hours until I see Dr. Mind and can talk about all this. There is so much to talk about; this experience has had some really hard parts. And since I didn't get any 1:1 therapy, just 10 minutes/day with the doctor and the groups didn't really let us get into things that were important at the time, I've got a lot to talk about. Thankfully I see him 4 times in the next 6 days.

So, more later as I feel like telling this story. It all depends on how emotional I am at any given moment.

Leaving was so weird. Walking OUT that locked door was a really odd feeling. So was walking outside for the first time in 8 days. And I was wearing shoes and jeans, adding to the weird feeling.

The biggest thing was getting a lot of meds filled. I went to my usual pharmacy, a Wal*greens I won't be using anymore, the place who had assured me they could have Emsam by Monday afternoon. I dropped the scripts off, got some food and things,andwent to get them. Which is when they said Emsam was discontinued by the manufacturer. Naturally, that became instant tears. No matter how much I argued that this couldn't be true, that Very Famous Hospital wouldn't have put me through the hell it took to get on that drug if it wasn't really going to do much, they said "it happens" and acted like I was being totally unreasonable. So I left and called the hospital and cried and cried. All they could do was have the dr call me.


Michal Ann said...

I'm so sorry that there were problems securing the prescriptions. It's not like you're in great shape to handle frustration and confusion but you're doing very very well. I'm proud of you for knowing what you need to do and making every effort to handle things.

It's very hard to trust for the future. I know. I will join you in making every effort to fix my mind on what is true and just and lovely and worthy of a good report, as scripture prescribes.

Colossians 3: 1-2

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

Just checking in and glad to see you're pacing yourself the best you can.


Rachael said...

I am so, so, so sorry this happened. Please hang on - find ways to make it minute to minute - just breathe, and take care.

otgirl said...

Oh my goodness, that is SO SCARY! To go through all that trouble and planned everything so carefully, only to have them not give you the med you needed! Ack!